The Erotic Adventures of the Three Musketeers

1992

U.S.

Region 0

Director Paul Norman

Private Screening Collection

Web: http://www.privatescreeningciollection.com

Reviewer: Bob Estreich

Their exploits made them famous. Their conquests made them legends!

This is a classic but very silly movie. What it loses in plot and acting ability is not made up anywhere else. It’s basically good fun with tits. There is also a big mystery in the movie. Well-known porn star Ron (“The Hedgehog”) Jeremy makes a brief appearance as the Cardinal’s Guard Captain, but keeps his clothes on. I don’t think Ron was ever employed for his acting ability so why is he even in this film?

The story is based very loosely on the original Alexandre Dumas tale of three musketeers loyal to the Queen of France. She is negotiating political matters with an Englishman (whom she is on VERY friendly terms with) and rewards him with a valuable necklace presented to her by her husband the Queen of France (he’s really the King of France but watch the film and you will see what I mean). The evil Cardinal, the King’s rival for power, finds out and sets out to have her punished for treason. The musketeers must recover the necklace for her if they can find time off from wenching, wining and fighting the Cardinal’s men. There is also a would-be female musketeer, a young girl kidnapped by the Cardinal for his pleasure, the seamstress of the Queens (both of them), Ron Jeremy, and so on. All of the ladies appear to suffer wardrobe malfunctions regularly. This is, of course, a Good Thing for the viewer.

The American accents of the actors contrast with the occasional lapse into bastard French. The acting ranges from poor to bloody dreadful and the dialogue is simply awful, as is the finale.

The one saving grace is that the women are almost universally attractive. I studied them a number of times to confirm this. The Queen (the female one) is played by Deirdre Holland, star of Deep Inside Deirdre Holland, Princess Orgasma and the Magic Bed, and many more. Britt Morgan plays Lady D’Summer (Brittany Speared, Blow Job Bonnie, etc), Tracey Winn (Anals of History, Saturday Night Beaver), and Chanel plays Catherine (Attack of the 50-foot Hooker, Rump Reamers, Spank-O-Rama, etc). With talent like this, Director Paul Norman (Intercourse With The Vampire, Edward Penishands) could surely have come up with something better. There is a fair bit of full-frontal nudity, thankfully only of the women, but actual sex scenes are more implied than realised. As a sex romp it barely qualifies as soft-core – nevertheless it’s going to be quite funny if you have a few mates over and get a few beers into you. It should make a change from watching reruns of Action Girls.

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This review will appear in Volume 2 No.4 (2009) of the digital and print edition of Synergy Magazine.

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