Stonehenge Apocalypse

Anchor Bay Entertainment

R4 DVD

I love conspiracy theory films. It’s the way they can ignore reality and dismiss any rational argument with “Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they?”. The theories usually involve the Government, the military, and / or Men In Black.

New Age is also an old favourite. I just can’t understand how a race that could make an intercontinental grid of energy lines couldn’t make a decent knife. No, priests had to cut the hearts out of their human sacrifices with chipped obsidian blades. There are always completely irrational reasons for huge structures like the Pyramids or Stonehenge. When challenged to provide evidence of alien origin or technology the query is dismissed with “There are forces at play here that we don’t understand”. Yes, that cliché is in the film. The option of large numbers of men working for many years is casually dismissed. Pseudoscience abounds. Scientific errors are many. The New Age theories have more holes than a rabbit warren.

When they all meet, as in this film, you have an absolute comedy of the improbable.

Stonehenge is waking up and causing electromagnetic pulses that are kindling volcanoes wherever there is a pyramid in the world. Jacob Blazer, once a respected prodigy scientist, is now regarded as a crackpot by the scientific community. He believes that there is something out there that is not of human origin and runs a radio segment that attracts other loonies. Of course, you know he is going to be proved right in the end – it’s that sort of movie. He heads off for Stonehenge, which is cordoned off by the military, and gets inside the cordon with ridiculous ease by simply walking through the woods. He is of course picked up by the people who are examining the activity at the Henge. The military doesn’t care about his theories and the scientists still regard him as a crackpot until they examine a map he is carrying linking pyramids and other sites to “lines of force”. One by one these sites start to erupt with each pulse from Stonehenge. Suddenly some of the scientists take an interest. Blazer can’t explain what the Henge is doing and he falls back on that time-honoured New Age cliché phrase “It’s a highly complex device that transcends our knowledge of physics”. Eventually, though he guesses that the Stonehenge machine is actually terraforming the planet. This will, naturally, wipe out all life on earth as such supermachines always do.

The military’s reaction is predictable. “This requires a global military response” so they prepare to nuke Stonehenge. Since this will pump a massive amount of energy into the system it will probably speed up the coming Apocalypse, not stop it.

Meanwhile in the U.S. state of Maine a friend of Blazer is also aware of the impending cataclysm. He has gathered a group of disciples and they will take shelter in a giant pyramid that will appear from out of the ground, according to the ancient writings. He needs to obtain a relic called the Antikythera device from a museum conveniently located nearby. It was believed to be a very precise ancient calendar but he now knows it is the key that can turn Stonehenge off. Blazer guesses this as well so it is a race to get the key and turn Stonehenge off – or on.

Will the earth survive? Will scientists finally accept that they don’t know everything and the Wisdom of the Ancients is the way to go? Will I stop laughing long enough to write this review?

The effects range from pretty good to woeful. Nitpickers will have a field day. My favourite is the scene where the heroine is shot in the shoulder and Blazer puts a tourniquet around her arm. This will do nothing to stop her blood loss and she will probably get gangrene in the arm as well. BUT. The film is still huge fun. It’s fast-moving and spectacular. Ignore the New Agers, caricature military and cast of looneys. Enjoy it for what it is – a great piece of entertainment.

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